# fortuneWrapper

Fortune:
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.


Fortune:
Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.


Fortune:
If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?


Fortune:
If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.


Fortune:
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks.


Fortune:
The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.


Fortune:
Fun game. Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper "toy boat' as you die.


Fortune:
A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.


Fortune:
Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.


Fortune:
Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.


Fortune:
Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.


Fortune:
You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.


Fortune:
Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.


Fortune:
Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small.


Fortune:
Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.


Fortune:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.


Fortune:
Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.


Fortune:
You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.


Fortune:
Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this.


Fortune:
If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.


Fortune:
There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.


Fortune:
Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.


Fortune:
Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two.


Fortune:
Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu's wearing a trench coat.


Fortune:
Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.


Fortune:
If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater.


Fortune:
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally okay.


Fortune:
I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.


Fortune:
Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would.


Fortune:
Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights?


Fortune:
today I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I have named The Baron. I will keep you updated as events unfold.


